FREE ESSAY ON SANTA OR SATAN?

SANTA OR SATAN?

To Whom It May Concern:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve
Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of
the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio,
Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also
get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement
who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South
Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us.
Differences Such As:
There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack
on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.
Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork
rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little
snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I
made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now
overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
You won't hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen... when Bubba Claus arrives.
Instead, you'll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on
Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.
Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by Yee Haw! And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves
respond, I her'd dat!
As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety
triangle on the back with the words Back off. The last I heard it also had other
decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race
through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going potty on the
Tooth Fairy.
The usual Christmas movie classics such as Miracle on 34th Street and It's a Wonderful
Life will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see Boss Hogg
Saves Christmas and Smokey and the Bandit IV featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and
dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids
turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed
Reindeer and Bing Crosby's Santa Claus Is Coming to Town. This year songs about Bubba
Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be
Mark Chesnutt's Bubba
Claus Shot the Jukebox; Cledus T. Judd's All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six
Pack, and Hank Williams Jr.'s If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You can shove It.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
Bibliography
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